Custody Conflict

Golden Rule or Gold Rules?

October 30, 2012 by Chief Navigator Leave a Comment

You already know the answer. When you choose how someone should treat you, it’s the Golden Rule.

But what about in a contest, especially in a high stakes contest such as in a divorce or in a child custody dispute?

Should the truth count – because that is what the children are counting on, so that they benefit from all both parents can give them? Or should it be a matter of who is able to wield the most influence, especially the most HIDDEN influence?

What about loyalty and honesty toward clients – especially clients who are focused on protecting and providing for children?

Should Fiduciary Duty be expected, and if that duty is absent, should it be looked at closely?

This is just a sampling of what is being revealed about our Family Court system, as investigated by My Advocate Center and an ever-increasing number of parents and interested reporters. Our work continues this month surrounding the fallout for children caught in this gap between truth and “other” influences. The case studies resulting from this work are compelling, so please schedule time with one of our advisors if you would like to learn more.

Then, please turn to the children of the parents in these case studies. Understand what this means for them when family conflict is handled poorly, or when loyalty and honesty are withheld from parents in high-stakes disputes.

Let’s ask that more professionals apply the Golden Rule around upholding duty, applying their best effort to helping children receive the best that BOTH parents can give them. WHY would you NOT want to allow that to happen?

Where we see that this is not happening, and children are being damaged, we are simply inviting these professionals to join us in shifting this problem. Because it IS a very large, very high-impact problem. It is time to do better here, and it is possible to be both successful, profitable, influential…AND to uphold the real Needs of Children.

We are here to guide Parents, Professionals and Policy Makers for the benefit of families who are transitioning through and out of conflict.

Let’s work together to ensure that the family’s resources go toward helping their children.

Isn’t that the BEST use of the Golden Rule?

Study highlights Issues that overlap Child Custody & Family Violence

October 30, 2012 by Chief Navigator Leave a Comment

An author we follow participated in this study – on a topic that does not cross your mind unless you have experienced a loss in Family Court. The study is long but worth reading if you are concerned about how the legal process often does more harm than good where there are issues overlapping between family violence and child custody.

We are working on responses to this study, as well as additional research and case studies, and including other reports such as the study done by the CDC that reveals how far reaching these issues are in our community – not somewhere far away, but right here. These issues are affecting your neighbors, the people in line with you at the grocery store… regardless of what part of town you live in, and possibly even in your own family. It is uncomfortable for most of us to face, but we must if anything is going to improve for our children. It is not some disease that we can avoid by staying close to home.

The issue is that in many cases where one party to a divorce is more vulnerable – physically, emotionally or financially – than the other party, and they are focused more on protecting themselves and their children than on understanding the dynamics of the Court system and the interactions between the “handlers” of their case, they are ripe to experience further damage.

This vulnerable party is destabilized by the other party’s ability to use influence and money – and to use their children as pawns or as a tool for control and punishment – so they fall into the trap of relying strictly on what they are told by the Legal Professionals. Unfortunately, not all professionals who govern these cases – such as the attorneys, the Judge and the custody experts – are created equal when it comes to devotion, integrity, talent or intelligence. It pays to do your research and not rely on advertising or appearances.

Read more here about this U.S. based study revealing facts from cases involving both family violence and child custody disputes, and then check back for more of our posts about how this issue affects the health and development of children in our society.

Here is the location of the pdf for this study:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1448371/pdf/0940951.pdf

To learn more about how this subject relates to a situation you or someone you know may be facing, please contact us immediately.

Filed Under: Child Custody, Evolving Solutions: Family Law, Family Violence Tagged With: Children as Pawns, Crisis Management, Custody Conflict, Family Violence

The Looking Glass: How Children See Themselves

October 15, 2012 by Chief Navigator Leave a Comment

Why the focus on children for My Advocate Center?

Check out this video, then keep reading and join in on this event to learn more!

This is important for both parents and professionals.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHi2dxSf9hw

We do what we do because that is what is missing from too many legal disputes related to divorce and child custody matters.

There is an enormous gap in how cases are handled that allows the needs of children to get dropped from the discussion. Yes, it sounds good enough that the law says we are to decide and act on matters based on the “best interests of the child,” but what does that really mean?

Can you think of many examples where that was carried out in a way that meant something positive to the child involved?

Chances are, what you recall from your own case or that of someone you know is that your children lost out in more than a couple of ways. That is sad given that the parties and the professionals claim to be working for the “sake of the children.” Please consider this:

“Children get their earliest, most lasting impressions of who they are from what is reflected back to them by their parents. These impressions become those ‘records’ in the jukebox of your child’s brain.” This is the Looking-Glass-Self principle provided by psychotherapists to describe what happens, and you can read about more examples in the Parenting Roles section on the Focus on the Family website. Please read their articles about both the Real Job of Mothers and the one linked here for Fathers.

Can you imagine what children are seeing in this looking glass – this mirror that IS the faces of their parents during a time of extreme tension, conflict, uncertainty, hostility, fear, duress?

If you care about children, then your focus should be on improving what is being reflected for children. If a parent, especially the main caregiver is made to feel fear, then the child absorbs and learns fear – and there is no way around it…the child learns to see himself as fearful. Anxious, Uncertain, Sad, Pained. Naturally this leads to a greater need for attention, for self-soothing, and affects sleep, focus and relationships. Not what you are going for?

If you are a Parent currently embroiled in a custody dispute, ask yourself & your spouse what your children are seeing, hearing, feeling. Is it necessary? Are you willing to change the dialogue & your actions to be geared FOR your children rather than just ABOUT your children? If you aren’t certain how to have this discussion or what to do about increasing conflict, let us know. The professionals we are aligned with get this.

The time to insert common sense and reason – on behalf of children – is before conflict starts to escalate. Parents on both sides, as well as the professionals, need to consider what they are willing to risk around the child’s well-being before they go down the wrong path.

We have found that this is missing in the process, so everything we provide to parents, professionals & policy makers comes back to this one point.

The truth around Family Court practices – what our case studies show – is that too often the wrong outcome is being intentionally created, causing the children to experience the worst of both parents, rather than what is best.

If the process and attitudes remain as they are in the legal arena involving divorce and child custody matters, then too many thousands of children will continue to be sacrificed for the sake of something much less important. They are being sacrificed for the profit of a few.

If you are not willing to allow this to continue – if you want to be a part of the Solution and not a part of the Problem, then please connect with us and help continue this discussion.