Knowledge is Power

Naming Names – Help for Parents Caught in Conflict

July 14, 2013 by Chief Navigator Leave a Comment

You’ve now seen through press coverage of specific stories that certain judges are being influenced – in an inappropriate way – by certain attorneys and custody experts. Many of you are asking, “So who are the others doing this?”

Obviously, as your comments reflect, there are more than a few people engaged in misconduct and in covering it up, or these actions would not be so blatant, and so profitable.

EXTRA NAUGHTY LIST 2013

This “hidden influence” is leading not only to financial and emotional damage to good parents, but also leading to physical and emotional damages to children.

The impact on our community is tremendous – and virtually no one is immune to what is going on.

But we should all be putting our foot down collectively over the damages to our children. We are seeing children develop severe, long term medical/emotional problems that would not be occurring otherwise.

This trauma is leading to drug problems, truancy, jail time and even suicide.

That alone is worth naming names publicly of those contributing to or benefitting from the court-related misconduct, and working toward transparency and accountability. (Yes, we are inviting discussion with these professionals, asking for help in restoring health, peace & support for these families and children. It is the ONLY right option, and it’s not too late to shift gears and help rather than harm.)

Please feel free to submit via PRIVATE email here on this website or via PRIVATE message on Facebook the names of professionals who have conducted themselves in similar fashion.

The best means of sharing information is to Contact Us HERE.

We don’t need a lot of detail for now, just enough to know that a bad/harmful outcome was obtained because professionals ignored or suppressed evidence that, if the laws and ethics rules were being followed, would have been used to provide protections and support. Should you want to discuss your case or situation further, let us know and we will provide you with our Intake Form.

Any and all legal advice must come from an attorney licensed in the State of Georgia, so please note that submitting information – while we treat with all possible confidentiality and view submissions as sensitive – is not considered “attorney-client privileged.”

We are not attorneys but do have legal, financial & psychological advisors on stand-by and will help inform you so that you know you are in the right hands going forward. (If you have peace of mind about those supporting you, you’ll make better decisions..meaning your children will be better cared for.)

Information can be shared with our Resource Team and advisors by telephone or in person if digital/email communications are not appropriate for your situation. You can also submit evidence directly to contacts with press or law enforcement, and we can arrange to help you with that if appropriate; just get the information where it can be followed through on.

At a minimum, and for starters, if you have a case where you can show what appears to be professional misconduct, you should immediately call the State Bar and request a grievance form. We’ve been told, “If people are being harmed, then WHY are they not filing grievances with us?”

So, please do ask for those forms, fill them out, send them in on a timely basis. (If you need assistance, we have good malpractice attorneys available to consult with you on this process. Note that this is hourly fee-based work, but worth it if you can afford to pay it.)

The more information that comes to light about misconduct and cases being mishandled, the better our community can be served.

*Our job is NOT to act as law enforcement or reporters, but our mission includes informing and empowering those entities responsible for reporting and protecting.

Professionals: if you are committed to upholding laws, ethics rules, fiduciary duty and the needs of your clients – and especially their children’s needs – please let us know if you would like to help with these cases coming in.

One part of our mission is to help the State Bar fully realize the nature of the misconduct and the extent of the damages, and to influence this conduct to cease.

Give parents and children a chance to recover, so that they can thrive as they would be doing but for the interference, misconduct and hidden influence as described in the press coverage.

Going forward, we are working hard to help families transition through and out of conflict faster, to support children in receiving the best that both parents have to offer, and to allow the family’s resources to be preserved for the benefit of children and parents.

Children deserve to be healthy and supported, in the care of loving and available parents, and they deserve to see their parents thriving in this role. Anything else is not natural, and does interfere with the child’s development and future.

Sometimes it’s OK to be seen as controversial, or even “radical” as certain guilty parties like to say… But here goes: Shame on you if you disagree with this, or if you stand in the way.

If you are a parent who has hired and used professionals engaged in these tactics… aimed at harming the other parent, please know that there is a way to correct your situation without making things worse.

We are especially asking you to reconsider this situation. You’ve probably already done enough harm to the other parent to feel that sick sense of satisfaction…not that it’s ever enough when your temper is raging or when you are feeling wounded.

Just know this: There is a way to meet in the middle, better serve your children, and allow your family to move forward with less conflict, expense and stress. For sure, having a conversation about options will not do you any harm. (We won’t tell if YOU won’t!)

Thank you for your trust and your support.

Filed Under: Alienation of Parents & Children, Be Your Own Best Advocate, Child Custody, Evolving Solutions: Family Law, On Behalf of Children, Preventing Tragedy & Loss Tagged With: Atlanta, Atlanta Bar Association, Child Advocacy, Crisis Management, Evidence Suppressed, Family Court, Family Law Attorney, For Parents, Fulton County, Georgia, Georgia State Bar, Howard Drutman, Improve Family Law, Jim Holmes, Knowledge is Power, Lawyers for Families, Legal Misconduct, Team Building, What Matters?

Georgia Ethics as Priority

January 15, 2013 by Chief Navigator Leave a Comment

One of our top legislative priorities for this current session is ethics reform. That’s great news.

Why? Because ethics problems, meaning the lack of ethics and how well they are hidden or glossed over, are hurting pretty much every facet of our lives, from our children to our economy. Most business and government leaders are focused on a few top priorities, so we are asking that the view be expanded a bit. We believe our intelligent, talented, creative and compassionate leaders will figure out a new way to approach and resolve this matter.

Why is My Advocate Center engaged in supporting and provoking ethics reform debate?

Consider that ethics problems affect our ability to create or replace jobs, encourage housing loss, and negatively limit talent and creativity in how our law enforcement and schools are run. We expect great results, but we aren’t necessarily getting them, at least not compared to the money being invested and spent.

How is this impacting the Needs of Children?

The examples we follow at the top of the food chain in various sectors seem to be sending a poor message – the actual message, not the packaged message.

If numbers, efficiency, cost-effectiveness mean something to you around business development, then be a part of the conversation around what we have been missing in terms of how poor ethics are hitting us and draining our resources. It has much to do with honesty and loyalty to our state and its citizens. And it’s going to take more than lip service, glossy ads and well-run campaigns to get through on this.

(Even children, thanks to movies like WALL-E, can see what many of us are missing. If you haven’t seen this, even with no children present, it might surprise you with some new insight and empathy.)

We have researched and produced case studies to help this sink in for government, business and community leaders: because drained resources and inefficiency and problems running amok are getting in the way of serving and uplifting children.

Look at it from this angle: a lack of integrity or ethics in leadership or professional conduct skews how families, parents, youth and individuals are treated in our Court system. Individuals are so significantly harmed by poor ethics and a lack of Fiduciary Duty (by professionals) that it is taking a hit on our workforce, small business investment, local spending, and greatly increasing the burden on our healthcare system and schools.

If you’d like to understand how a company, say of 3,000 employees, is affected from a quality and cost standpoint, we can show you. Our case studies can reveal not only the plight of children, families and individuals, but what this means to those investing in our local workforce and economy.

What might happen if we demanded better integrity and performance? Isn’t that what we plan for and demand in our companies and in our homes? How much more in benefits – profit, peace and enjoyment – could we experience here in this state by getting the ethics discussion on the right track?

By all means, let’s grab this ethics topic not only with both hands and with our microphones and pens, but by digging in our heels and holding on tight. This will not be an easy resolution to reach in a meaningful way. There is just too much money at stake for a few to let go of the status quo. Only now it is time to ask the right questions and look at the issues in new ways, and to ask Oz to come out from behind the curtain.

Thank you in advance for choosing to be a Part of the Solution.

Now, let’s get to work…

For more detail, please refer to the Atlanta Business Chronicle’s January 14th edition, and attend the Georgia Chamber of Commerce’s Eggs and Issues breakfast at the World Congress this Wednesday morning at 7am, January 16th, 2013.

Filed Under: Evolving Solutions: Family Law, Preventing Tragedy & Loss Tagged With: Business Development, Crisis Management, ETHICS, Family Court, Georgia, Juvenile Court, Knowledge is Power, Legislative Efforts, Needed Change, Team Building, What Matters?

Coping with Parental Alienation of Your Children

November 3, 2012 by Chief Navigator Leave a Comment

If you have felt the effects of this or seen it in your children’s faces, body language, behavior or heard things from them that seemed like they were trying to push you away, you have experienced the impact of “alienation” tactics.

This summary is focused strictly on coping skills and not on description or legalities. It is something to try to prevent and to take seriously, but for now let’s talk about how you can manage better in a way that helps you, your children and your relationship with them.

Not everyone realizes they are doing things in a way to cause alienation, while others’ efforts are intentional. But whatever the motivation or awareness level is, the result is still the same. It drives a wedge between children and parents – when the children really need for both parents to be calm, positive and connected – and increases the conflict between parents while reducing the chances for cooperation and teamwork. This phenomenon takes away from children who need to be receiving emotionally and physically all they can get from each parent. So, yes, it is a big deal and the effects are deeper and longer lasting than you might imagine.

If you are the parent having to defend against these tactics by the other parent, it means unfortunately you have a little extra work to do. Understand the issue and how it works. Be prepared, and work on controlling and diffusing your own emotions. Don’t counter-attack, but rather mediate and diffuse the situation. Surrounding yourself with positive information, people and experiences will help turn this around. There are excellent professionals – both psychological and legal – we can refer you to for help, but first do some reading, journaling of the issues and look yourself in the mirror to see your strengths; see what you are capable of before resorting to spending money trying to correct this. You might find that you have more power and influence than you’ve been led to believe.

What your children see and hear from you will have a chance to offset and change what is happening, if you stay resolved, calm and upbeat about it. Hopefully you took some acting classes earlier in life…so this is where any performing or sales ability will help you!

Here are some other things you need to have and work on:

A basic understanding of what Parental Alienation is and is not; do not try to be an expert or focus more than a few minutes on this. Once you get it, let that part go.
A mindset of playing offense rather than defense; put yourself in control rather than in victim mode. Note that “being on offense” is quite different from being “offensive.” Offending the other parent is not helpful!
A mature mind and heart. Your reactive and retaliatory nature needs to stay in the journal you keep where you vent your frustrations, complaints, sadness, bitterness or even fear. Reveal the best of your mind and heart to your children, and…yes, even to the other parent causing the alienation.
A great deal of patience, and an outlet for handling the stress when patience fails you; do not keep it bottled in, so use counseling, exercise, good books and family support as needed. Your friends will not understand, so keep from sharing what is happening as much as possible – think offensive line. Eye on the goal line, rather than on a potential loss.
A sense of humor; if you are going to sell it to your kids and community that you are not a victim to feel sorry for (no one wants to hang with victims) then find the humor and the bright side. This attracts your children to a different way of thinking and sets an amazing example.
An exciting and productive something going on in your life, besides what you do with and for your kids.
Forget Plan A, and have enough back up plans that one or two disappointments – like not being able to host your child’s birthday party – do not cause major setbacks. Move on quickly to the next “best” option for being involved and having the joy of your child’s pleasure and gratitude.
A healthy ego. Sometimes not being the center of attention allows you to learn more and be a better coach and example for your child than if all the focus is on you. When it is obvious that one parent is trying to control or get credit for something, kids notice and they appreciate that your ego is balanced, and that you are okay just being a part of something that is good for them.
A sense of timing. Kids have a way of getting what they need from you WHEN they need it. So keep planting seeds that you are available and willing, but that they can get what they need when they are ready.
A sensitivity for things you might not see or hear; kids are often working pretty hard to not let on what they are experiencing and how it is affecting them. They do not want to burden anyone or draw attention to something negative, and this takes a lot of their energy. This touches on why alienation tactics relate to abuse and neglect – it causes them stress and affects their joy, focus and sleep. Your main job is to not add to this while trying to protect your relationship with them, and it is easier said than done.
A decision to meet in the middle, rather than to have a “winner” or a “loser” – this is not about the battle which is what the person doing the alienating wants you to think. This is about the effects on your children and the example you want to set for them around having good boundaries and the skills they need to resolve conflict in their lifetime. Change what you can change, enjoy what you can enjoy – that is your choice and it IS within your intelligent and ability to do.
A list of things you can do to take the high road and set a more positive example, like saving a seat for the other parent if you arrive early to an event where your child is performing or competing. Waiting with an open and encouraging stance before leaving with your child after an event so that they have extra time to visit with and debrief with their other parent. Turning toward the other parent & looking at them when speaking, as if you expect something positive to happen. When you order something, like school pictures, order extra and have your child take the extras to the other parent. Plant seeds. And ask for what you need and want with a smile and positive expectations.

These are things that will help, even if they aren’t easy to keep in mind and act on consistently, but the more you develop and call on your strengths, the more wisdom and peace you insert into this environment, the better chance you have of turning it around.

You’ll be amazed at how your children will respond over time.

Filed Under: Alienation of Parents & Children Tagged With: For Parents, Knowledge is Power, Mother vs Father, Parental Alienation, Power Struggle, What Matters?

Golden Rule or Gold Rules?

October 30, 2012 by Chief Navigator Leave a Comment

You already know the answer. When you choose how someone should treat you, it’s the Golden Rule.

But what about in a contest, especially in a high stakes contest such as in a divorce or in a child custody dispute?

Should the truth count – because that is what the children are counting on, so that they benefit from all both parents can give them? Or should it be a matter of who is able to wield the most influence, especially the most HIDDEN influence?

What about loyalty and honesty toward clients – especially clients who are focused on protecting and providing for children?

Should Fiduciary Duty be expected, and if that duty is absent, should it be looked at closely?

This is just a sampling of what is being revealed about our Family Court system, as investigated by My Advocate Center and an ever-increasing number of parents and interested reporters. Our work continues this month surrounding the fallout for children caught in this gap between truth and “other” influences. The case studies resulting from this work are compelling, so please schedule time with one of our advisors if you would like to learn more.

Then, please turn to the children of the parents in these case studies. Understand what this means for them when family conflict is handled poorly, or when loyalty and honesty are withheld from parents in high-stakes disputes.

Let’s ask that more professionals apply the Golden Rule around upholding duty, applying their best effort to helping children receive the best that BOTH parents can give them. WHY would you NOT want to allow that to happen?

Where we see that this is not happening, and children are being damaged, we are simply inviting these professionals to join us in shifting this problem. Because it IS a very large, very high-impact problem. It is time to do better here, and it is possible to be both successful, profitable, influential…AND to uphold the real Needs of Children.

We are here to guide Parents, Professionals and Policy Makers for the benefit of families who are transitioning through and out of conflict.

Let’s work together to ensure that the family’s resources go toward helping their children.

Isn’t that the BEST use of the Golden Rule?

Filed Under: Child Custody, Domestic Violence, Evolving Solutions: Family Law, Family Violence Tagged With: Custody Conflict, Domestic Violence, Fair/Balanced, For Parents, Knowledge is Power, Mother vs Father, Needs of Children, Parents in Court, What Matters?

A Father’s Rights

October 12, 2012 by Chief Navigator Leave a Comment

Have you heard?

Good fathers are sharing experiences of finding out the hard way that they don’t stand a chance of getting a balanced/fair custody schedule or equal say, unless they play dirty, and spend a fortune if they have it to spend. Even then…it is very hard to prevail through mystery & uncertainty. Hundreds of examples of cases resolved in an unfair & unbalanced way exist right here in GA, so chances are you’ve heard of a few or experienced this yourself?

Yes, men do believe they are being discriminated against when it comes to the legal process and custody issues. More & more are reaching out to us, asking for answers, even though we don’t promote “Father’s Rights” specifically. We vet each case regardless of whether the mother is being targeted or the father, and work toward restoring balance for the person who is being destabilized by foul play and illegal tactics.

Why are fathers calling M-A-C? Because we are not here to advocate for one type of person over another, but to be the Voice of Reason. We help to take out the emotion and injury, and replace faulty reactions or strategies with what makes sense. It is easier for men to avoid loss in business than here in the family court process, because business practices are more transparent, more accountable, and often follow logic. What is happening with certain family court professionals goes against all logic – – and, yes, even againt the law, the facts and evidence of the case, and against the needs of children.

We look at the reality and truth for the children involved – what type of parent are you and how do you work with the other parent to do what your kids need.

Are you managing to provide the best of both parents to your children? Do you support the other parent as much as you should? Do you support as if your children were able to tell you what they need and deserve from you both? Do you conduct yourself as if your children are watching?

Guess what: they ARE watching. Even if they are very young. They are absorbing what is happening, and this sets them up to fail both in their youth and later in life. So take it seriously, and work on yourself first.

Appearances DO matter, but not the way we are often taught to think in this process; what matters is what our children are seeing in us, as well as how our cases are managed related to their care and emotional well-being. Examples to clarify this point are available. This is simply about child-centered common sense as it relates to achieving your desired outcome.

Mothers vs. Fathers: Bad behavior and abuse happen on both sides of the aisle. The wedding aisle, not just the political aisle.

We are here to help all types of parents look in the mirror and consider how to be better – before divorce (avoiding it if possible because it IS bad for children, and for you), during divorce and after – because that is better for children. It really is very simple.

So, regarding “Fathers’ Rights,” are you ready? They should be the same as a mother’s rights. Your children deserve the best of both – if you are capable of cooperating in that effort, then that is what should happen. Please look for more specifics in later posts or email us for faster answers.

My Advocate Center exists because we’ve seen the impact on children and know that during this process, around divorce and custody conflicts, is where some of the worst damage is done to children. It has to change, and if you consider yourself a good parent, or project as a professional that you are here to serve children/families and claim you have talent and are successful, then use that to improve outcomes for children, rather than for your own bottom line. The bottom line SHOULD be how children fare in this – what are they left with when the arguing is done, and how will they manage through the aftermath and into adulthood.

As you learn about My Advocate Center please do not focus on our posts about female victims of family violence and assume that we are here because we only care about supporting women, or that our main focus is on violence although that is a driving force & controlling influence in many cases. We have heard and seen as many examples of poor case management and outcomes for fathers as we have for mothers. Poor judgment by professionals or judges is not aimed at one gender or the other. But it always hurts children, so that is what drives our work and research. We will address family violence, abuse, foul play and related topics in another post.

For now we ask that you consider that much of the conflict does not have to do with discrimination against male or female parents, and that our mission is focused on how children are impacted when the rights of a good parent and caregiver are taken away or diminished. Much of our work & research involves balancing results for fathers, especially for fathers who are acting as the primary caregiver in their family unit. You might not be the “stay at home dad,” but you can still be the one emotionally connected to your children and ensuring their overall well-being.

If you are not in control of your situation around child custody, and believe that the lack of fairness is hurting your kids…if you want to learn the real reason why and then do something about it, let us know. Ideally you are reading this before it’s too late and can work with us to PREVENT this from happening. However, most parents do not question until after damage has been done and they realize that improving the situation is next to impossible. We are here because we believe in “possible” and you are reading because you do as well.

Join us knowing that we exist to help you learn and benefit from our experience, insight & resources.

Your children are asking this of you, even if they are silent.

Filed Under: Be Your Own Best Advocate, Early Prevention, On Behalf of Children, Service Offerings Tagged With: Advocacy, discrimination, Fair/Balanced, Fathers, For Parents, Knowledge is Power, Mothers vs Fathers, What Matters?

The Court Discriminates, but Not Like You Think

October 9, 2012 by Chief Navigator Leave a Comment

Mothers, even good mothers, do sometimes lose their children in the legal process involving custody matters.

Fathers claim the Courts are biased in favor of mothers.

Both sides fight back, and not always fairly or with an eye on their children.

Minorities want Favored Minority Status because it is the only way in their minds to protect against discrimination. Domestic Violence victims hear that the Court doesn’t care about family violence, or are afraid they won’t be seen as a “good enough victim” to get protection or support from the Court professionals.

Groups who do not belong to or follow the Mainstream want their rights upheld, and justly so. Some are afraid to be seen and then misjudged for not fitting a mold we believe the Court wants upheld.

The Court is not designed to protect one gender over another, or one ethnic, religious or societal group over another. But somehow most of us fall into the trap of believing this is true, so that way it makes more sense if we don’t prevail. If we can make sense of it, then we know what we are up against, correct?

What actually prevents us from succeeding is information and preparedness. Who is responsible for helping us prepare? WE are. We must identify resources, make the right choices for our unique situation and location and political environment, and then use those resources wisely.

It is just not as simple as “I am a Woman, so therefore I must hire this strong male, or that female bulldog of an attorney.” That is a rumor. An uninformed one at that. Just like the one that states, “If she lost her children, then there must be something wrong with her.” Or the misperception that, “He only sees his children 30% of the time, so therefore the mother prevailed,” or “he is just a so-so dad.” Write down your beliefs and the rumors you are allowing to guide your decisions. Don’t just Gut-Check them; FACT check them.

The brief point to our initial blog post here is this: things are not always as they seem, and they are not always as they should be. So get your head in the game, clear your thoughts, and learn. If you are not sure where to start, just send us an email. That part is simple.

Filed Under: Be Your Own Best Advocate Tagged With: Appearances, discrimination, Equality, For Parents, Identifying Needs, Knowledge is Power, Mainstream, Minority, Mother vs Father, Parents in Court, Reality, What Matters?