What Matters?

Naming Names – Help for Parents Caught in Conflict

July 14, 2013 by Chief Navigator Leave a Comment

You’ve now seen through press coverage of specific stories that certain judges are being influenced – in an inappropriate way – by certain attorneys and custody experts. Many of you are asking, “So who are the others doing this?”

Obviously, as your comments reflect, there are more than a few people engaged in misconduct and in covering it up, or these actions would not be so blatant, and so profitable.

EXTRA NAUGHTY LIST 2013

This “hidden influence” is leading not only to financial and emotional damage to good parents, but also leading to physical and emotional damages to children.

The impact on our community is tremendous – and virtually no one is immune to what is going on.

But we should all be putting our foot down collectively over the damages to our children. We are seeing children develop severe, long term medical/emotional problems that would not be occurring otherwise.

This trauma is leading to drug problems, truancy, jail time and even suicide.

That alone is worth naming names publicly of those contributing to or benefitting from the court-related misconduct, and working toward transparency and accountability. (Yes, we are inviting discussion with these professionals, asking for help in restoring health, peace & support for these families and children. It is the ONLY right option, and it’s not too late to shift gears and help rather than harm.)

Please feel free to submit via PRIVATE email here on this website or via PRIVATE message on Facebook the names of professionals who have conducted themselves in similar fashion.

The best means of sharing information is to Contact Us HERE.

We don’t need a lot of detail for now, just enough to know that a bad/harmful outcome was obtained because professionals ignored or suppressed evidence that, if the laws and ethics rules were being followed, would have been used to provide protections and support. Should you want to discuss your case or situation further, let us know and we will provide you with our Intake Form.

Any and all legal advice must come from an attorney licensed in the State of Georgia, so please note that submitting information – while we treat with all possible confidentiality and view submissions as sensitive – is not considered “attorney-client privileged.”

We are not attorneys but do have legal, financial & psychological advisors on stand-by and will help inform you so that you know you are in the right hands going forward. (If you have peace of mind about those supporting you, you’ll make better decisions..meaning your children will be better cared for.)

Information can be shared with our Resource Team and advisors by telephone or in person if digital/email communications are not appropriate for your situation. You can also submit evidence directly to contacts with press or law enforcement, and we can arrange to help you with that if appropriate; just get the information where it can be followed through on.

At a minimum, and for starters, if you have a case where you can show what appears to be professional misconduct, you should immediately call the State Bar and request a grievance form. We’ve been told, “If people are being harmed, then WHY are they not filing grievances with us?”

So, please do ask for those forms, fill them out, send them in on a timely basis. (If you need assistance, we have good malpractice attorneys available to consult with you on this process. Note that this is hourly fee-based work, but worth it if you can afford to pay it.)

The more information that comes to light about misconduct and cases being mishandled, the better our community can be served.

*Our job is NOT to act as law enforcement or reporters, but our mission includes informing and empowering those entities responsible for reporting and protecting.

Professionals: if you are committed to upholding laws, ethics rules, fiduciary duty and the needs of your clients – and especially their children’s needs – please let us know if you would like to help with these cases coming in.

One part of our mission is to help the State Bar fully realize the nature of the misconduct and the extent of the damages, and to influence this conduct to cease.

Give parents and children a chance to recover, so that they can thrive as they would be doing but for the interference, misconduct and hidden influence as described in the press coverage.

Going forward, we are working hard to help families transition through and out of conflict faster, to support children in receiving the best that both parents have to offer, and to allow the family’s resources to be preserved for the benefit of children and parents.

Children deserve to be healthy and supported, in the care of loving and available parents, and they deserve to see their parents thriving in this role. Anything else is not natural, and does interfere with the child’s development and future.

Sometimes it’s OK to be seen as controversial, or even “radical” as certain guilty parties like to say… But here goes: Shame on you if you disagree with this, or if you stand in the way.

If you are a parent who has hired and used professionals engaged in these tactics… aimed at harming the other parent, please know that there is a way to correct your situation without making things worse.

We are especially asking you to reconsider this situation. You’ve probably already done enough harm to the other parent to feel that sick sense of satisfaction…not that it’s ever enough when your temper is raging or when you are feeling wounded.

Just know this: There is a way to meet in the middle, better serve your children, and allow your family to move forward with less conflict, expense and stress. For sure, having a conversation about options will not do you any harm. (We won’t tell if YOU won’t!)

Thank you for your trust and your support.

Filed Under: Alienation of Parents & Children, Be Your Own Best Advocate, Child Custody, Evolving Solutions: Family Law, On Behalf of Children, Preventing Tragedy & Loss Tagged With: Atlanta, Atlanta Bar Association, Child Advocacy, Crisis Management, Evidence Suppressed, Family Court, Family Law Attorney, For Parents, Fulton County, Georgia, Georgia State Bar, Howard Drutman, Improve Family Law, Jim Holmes, Knowledge is Power, Lawyers for Families, Legal Misconduct, Team Building, What Matters?

Improving the Divorce and Child Custody Process: What Matters?

January 25, 2013 by Chief Navigator Leave a Comment

A conversation for professionals and for parents interested in contributing to Solutions.

Solutions related to child custody disputes -including policy revisions & upholding fiduciary duty:

We hear that the Court is supposed to help parents arrive at something that is “in the best interests of the children” but that often is miscontrued.

It is most often just a notion that sounds good on paper or rolling off the tongue of a member of the Court. It causes GOOD parents to assume that there is really nothing to worry about, that surely the Court will see the obvious…and the evidence…and allow them to continue serving their children well.

Sadly that is a myth. Actually it is more of a Trap than a myth. Myths usually do not cause real, lasting harm. A trap is something you are not meant to get out of. Not in one piece anyway.

Disclaimer: When we at M-A-C say, “Good parents” and “best interests” that can be applied to mean either Mother or Father; this is not a gender issue. Remove bias & restore accountability for Fiduciaries, ensure that laws & guidelines have ‘teeth’ and we can make rewarding progress. For all parents.

Progress means getting rid of what merely sounds good, or lip service, and doing the hard work of helping parents resolve conflict, and getting help with dysfunctional behavior that led to the divorce or custody dispute.

That statement is a big part of the solution: proper counseling.

We have, at least in Georgia, some incredibly talented and effective healthcare and law enforcement professionals who are capable of amending and improving relationships between “high-conflict” parties.

These are resources that go largely untapped due to how the legal process is manipulated and controlled by a few who are not focused on “doing the right thing” — simply because it is assumed that it is harder work for less profit. For certain Fiduciaries managing these cases, that is.

If you know how to identify legal professionals who will uphold Fiduciary Duty and apply their talent and experience to reach the best outcome for the family, then you have the best of all worlds: the best legal minds doing legal work, the appropriate psychological or healthcare providers, along with law enforcement where called for.

So our mandate is to shift the focus to be: “Your bottom line as a professional improves as you Do the Right Thing, and uplift the Real Needs of Children and good parents.” The guidelines and protocols are there to follow, which demands proper counseling — and parents are asking for it, children need it desperately, and it just isn’t that hard.

“Good parents” do not destroy children by undermining their needs just to get at, restrict or punish the other parent. Period. You don’t “split the baby up the middle” – you straigten out the parent willing to use the child as a pawn or weapon.

What currently exists in Family Law matters is something that is less about reality, or the REAL needs of children and parents, and more about doing favors and manipulating parties and litigation tactics to wear one party down, increase profits for the professionals, and reach an outcome that rewards the other party for being abusive. That hurts good parents – no matter whether the “caregiver” and nurturing parent is the mother or father – and especially hurts the children. Everyone who is owed a duty of loyalty and honesty here LOSES. Unless they know how to prepare and avoid the traps…

Children & parents who have experienced trauma are counting on us.

We are determined that “Divided Families do not have to become Destroyed Families” as we are seeing in the current standard being set by certain practitioners of law.

WE CAN SAY THIS FIRMLY BASED ON CASE STUDIES WHICH WE WILL BE PUBLISHING SOON.

If you would like to receive white papers and case studies – or briefs related to cases involving misconduct – then fill out our contact form on www.MyAdvocateCenter.com.

You can also follow us on http://www.linkedin.com/company/my-advocate-center-llc. If you decide to engage and contribute on this topic, joining the M-A-C Counsel for Change on LinkedIn may be your next natural step.

Simple ways to see our updates and excerpts of cases studies: Facebook.com/MyAdvocateCenter — @MyAdvocateCentr on Twitter

Most people agree, parent or not, professional or not, that children deserve the best that BOTH parents have to offer, right? Sounds better than the “best interests of children…” whatever that might turn out to mean to someone focused more on profit than on helping children.

Children cannot get the best of both parents when both parents are left in a worsened state, often both emotionally and financially, and even physcially if home loss or medical conditions/illness result.

Children – tens of thousands of children each year – are experiencing more violence, addictive behavior, stress and uncertainty, as well as critical time with parents being lost…all due to an intentionally escalated and prolonged process. More children turn to unhealthy coping skills as they react.

Want to interrupt cycles of violence and addiction? Address what is happening in throes of legal battles.

Why is there so much trauma? It can be due to the improper handling of Domestic Violence issues, or the loss of parenting rights, financial resources and homes, and sometimes due merely to the lack of honesty and loyalty from counsel. All of these things destabilize parents and exacerbate anger, confusion, depression, anxiety…and all of this is absorbed by the children watching their parents and getting caught in the middle.

Who is watching these children to see what the effects on them are?

Teachers, healthcare workers, school directors, neighbors, family members and too often law enforcement as the dysfunction leads to juvenile delinquency. But these people are not involved in the legal process and have no control over curbing the manipulation that is worsening the situation. They feel their hands are tied.

Know that our perspective & value come from the collective strengths of many who have experienced loss due to breakdowns in communication, transparency & accountability around this legal process governing the division of children and other “property.”

What can you do?

Join us in contributing to the conversation about raising standards to mean something for children around how these cases are handled and governed, and do what you can to strengthen a parent who may be vulnerable in a “high conflict” legal matter or co-parenting.

Empower someone who needs to know how to better prepare and manage, and confront and hold accountable one willing to do harm.

Please spread the word that if someone is exploiting another who is in need of help and protection, and/or is disabled from PTSD or other qualified disability under the ADA, that ability to profit from their weakness is coming to an end.

Filed Under: Case Studies & Examples, Child Custody, Domestic Violence, Early Prevention, Evolving Solutions: Family Law, Family Violence, Preventing Tragedy & Loss Tagged With: Accountability, Advocacy, Domestic Violence, Family Court, Identifying Needs, Legal Counsel, Legal Process, Professionals, Team Building, What Matters?

Georgia Ethics as Priority

January 15, 2013 by Chief Navigator Leave a Comment

One of our top legislative priorities for this current session is ethics reform. That’s great news.

Why? Because ethics problems, meaning the lack of ethics and how well they are hidden or glossed over, are hurting pretty much every facet of our lives, from our children to our economy. Most business and government leaders are focused on a few top priorities, so we are asking that the view be expanded a bit. We believe our intelligent, talented, creative and compassionate leaders will figure out a new way to approach and resolve this matter.

Why is My Advocate Center engaged in supporting and provoking ethics reform debate?

Consider that ethics problems affect our ability to create or replace jobs, encourage housing loss, and negatively limit talent and creativity in how our law enforcement and schools are run. We expect great results, but we aren’t necessarily getting them, at least not compared to the money being invested and spent.

How is this impacting the Needs of Children?

The examples we follow at the top of the food chain in various sectors seem to be sending a poor message – the actual message, not the packaged message.

If numbers, efficiency, cost-effectiveness mean something to you around business development, then be a part of the conversation around what we have been missing in terms of how poor ethics are hitting us and draining our resources. It has much to do with honesty and loyalty to our state and its citizens. And it’s going to take more than lip service, glossy ads and well-run campaigns to get through on this.

(Even children, thanks to movies like WALL-E, can see what many of us are missing. If you haven’t seen this, even with no children present, it might surprise you with some new insight and empathy.)

We have researched and produced case studies to help this sink in for government, business and community leaders: because drained resources and inefficiency and problems running amok are getting in the way of serving and uplifting children.

Look at it from this angle: a lack of integrity or ethics in leadership or professional conduct skews how families, parents, youth and individuals are treated in our Court system. Individuals are so significantly harmed by poor ethics and a lack of Fiduciary Duty (by professionals) that it is taking a hit on our workforce, small business investment, local spending, and greatly increasing the burden on our healthcare system and schools.

If you’d like to understand how a company, say of 3,000 employees, is affected from a quality and cost standpoint, we can show you. Our case studies can reveal not only the plight of children, families and individuals, but what this means to those investing in our local workforce and economy.

What might happen if we demanded better integrity and performance? Isn’t that what we plan for and demand in our companies and in our homes? How much more in benefits – profit, peace and enjoyment – could we experience here in this state by getting the ethics discussion on the right track?

By all means, let’s grab this ethics topic not only with both hands and with our microphones and pens, but by digging in our heels and holding on tight. This will not be an easy resolution to reach in a meaningful way. There is just too much money at stake for a few to let go of the status quo. Only now it is time to ask the right questions and look at the issues in new ways, and to ask Oz to come out from behind the curtain.

Thank you in advance for choosing to be a Part of the Solution.

Now, let’s get to work…

For more detail, please refer to the Atlanta Business Chronicle’s January 14th edition, and attend the Georgia Chamber of Commerce’s Eggs and Issues breakfast at the World Congress this Wednesday morning at 7am, January 16th, 2013.

Filed Under: Evolving Solutions: Family Law, Preventing Tragedy & Loss Tagged With: Business Development, Crisis Management, ETHICS, Family Court, Georgia, Juvenile Court, Knowledge is Power, Legislative Efforts, Needed Change, Team Building, What Matters?

Wake Up Georgia: Solutions to Preventing Tragedy

January 9, 2013 by Chief Navigator Leave a Comment

According to The Violence Policy Center, Georgia ranks 10th in nation for domestic violence related homicides.

The Kristofak murder in Marietta is a much needed wake-up call.

M-A-C is asking all professionals involved in high-conflict cases to handle each aspect of these cases with the utmost care and to intervene early with the proper counseling on BOTH sides of the equation.

Protocols & the RIGHT kind of help for mental health instability, violence and conflict management do exist here — they just aren’t always being followed or used effectively. It is past time for all of us to ask questions and follow through, taking it more seriously than before, because the Needs of Children dictate that we do this.

What can be done to dial back the conflict and discourage & prevent more violence?

Can we make better use of the laws, protocols & intervention programs that we have in place? How strongly are we holding people accountable, and what about inserting more transparency onto high-conflict cases? (Please note that Men / Fathers are also victims in a number of these cases. False allegations of abuse DO impede solutions, wasting time and resources, which are needed for better/faster resolutions. All of this negatively impacts children, parents’ ability to work together, drains family resources and harms our communities. Just Don’t do it…)

Can we make better use of our healthcare system and law enforcement professionals? Of course, the answer is a resounding YES on all of the above, but how? Where do we start? With whom do we start?

Prior to this disaster unfolding, we created the M-A-C Counsel for Change to address these issues and help interrupt the patterns that lead to this kind of loss and tragedy. We did this based on actual case studies done on past and present/pending cases. Yes, there are other pending cases needing intervention, so we are working with several alliances to change these outcomes so that the Needs of Children and good parents are better served.

To join in this thought leadership discussion, if you are a professional engaged in these matters or in a position to contribute to Solutions and Change, please email CFC@MyAdvocateCenter.com.

Parents & anyone needing guidance: If you are not sure where to turn for intervention with anger, violence, or are caught in a situation involving mental health disorders or addiction (any dysfunction affecting the well-being of your children and peace in your home) send us a message & we will help guide. Resources@MyAdvocateCenter.com

Please engage with us on Facebook, Twitter & LinkedIn to contribute to solutions and follow our development on these case studies and on improvements being made.

Here are a few of the links to the most recent – and preventable – loss experienced by children in the Atlanta, Georgia area:

AJC, by Bill Torpy: http://www.ajc.com/news/news/crime-law/slain-woman-predicted-her-own-death/nTgj4/

11Alive News, by Rebecca Lindstrom: http://www.11alive.com/News/Crime/269855/445/Domestic-Violence-advocates-call-Marietta-murder-a-wakeup-call

East Cobb Patch, by Wendy Parker: http://eastcobb.patch.com/articles/donna-kristofak-feared-for-her-life

Perryville News, Obituary of Donna Kristofak: http://www.perryvillenews.com/archive/article_ba8feb62-53a8-11e2-991d-001a4bcf6878.html

If you are aware of or producing another piece on this story, please email Press@MyAdvocateCenter.com.

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The Kristofak boys have now lost both of their parents, but thankfully have the care and protection of other family members. They deserve all the help we can give them, so please send contributions to:

Harrison & Zac Scholarship Fund, P.O. Box 70091, Marietta, GA 30007-0091.

Filed Under: Be Your Own Best Advocate, Domestic Violence, Early Prevention, Evolving Solutions: Family Law, Family Violence, On Behalf of Children, Preventing Tragedy & Loss Tagged With: Accountability, Counsel For Change, Crisis Management, Domestic Violence, Family Court, Family Violence, For Parents, Judicial Discretion, Murder in East Cobb, PREVENTION, Protect Children, Team Building, What Matters?

Coping with Parental Alienation of Your Children

November 3, 2012 by Chief Navigator Leave a Comment

If you have felt the effects of this or seen it in your children’s faces, body language, behavior or heard things from them that seemed like they were trying to push you away, you have experienced the impact of “alienation” tactics.

This summary is focused strictly on coping skills and not on description or legalities. It is something to try to prevent and to take seriously, but for now let’s talk about how you can manage better in a way that helps you, your children and your relationship with them.

Not everyone realizes they are doing things in a way to cause alienation, while others’ efforts are intentional. But whatever the motivation or awareness level is, the result is still the same. It drives a wedge between children and parents – when the children really need for both parents to be calm, positive and connected – and increases the conflict between parents while reducing the chances for cooperation and teamwork. This phenomenon takes away from children who need to be receiving emotionally and physically all they can get from each parent. So, yes, it is a big deal and the effects are deeper and longer lasting than you might imagine.

If you are the parent having to defend against these tactics by the other parent, it means unfortunately you have a little extra work to do. Understand the issue and how it works. Be prepared, and work on controlling and diffusing your own emotions. Don’t counter-attack, but rather mediate and diffuse the situation. Surrounding yourself with positive information, people and experiences will help turn this around. There are excellent professionals – both psychological and legal – we can refer you to for help, but first do some reading, journaling of the issues and look yourself in the mirror to see your strengths; see what you are capable of before resorting to spending money trying to correct this. You might find that you have more power and influence than you’ve been led to believe.

What your children see and hear from you will have a chance to offset and change what is happening, if you stay resolved, calm and upbeat about it. Hopefully you took some acting classes earlier in life…so this is where any performing or sales ability will help you!

Here are some other things you need to have and work on:

A basic understanding of what Parental Alienation is and is not; do not try to be an expert or focus more than a few minutes on this. Once you get it, let that part go.
A mindset of playing offense rather than defense; put yourself in control rather than in victim mode. Note that “being on offense” is quite different from being “offensive.” Offending the other parent is not helpful!
A mature mind and heart. Your reactive and retaliatory nature needs to stay in the journal you keep where you vent your frustrations, complaints, sadness, bitterness or even fear. Reveal the best of your mind and heart to your children, and…yes, even to the other parent causing the alienation.
A great deal of patience, and an outlet for handling the stress when patience fails you; do not keep it bottled in, so use counseling, exercise, good books and family support as needed. Your friends will not understand, so keep from sharing what is happening as much as possible – think offensive line. Eye on the goal line, rather than on a potential loss.
A sense of humor; if you are going to sell it to your kids and community that you are not a victim to feel sorry for (no one wants to hang with victims) then find the humor and the bright side. This attracts your children to a different way of thinking and sets an amazing example.
An exciting and productive something going on in your life, besides what you do with and for your kids.
Forget Plan A, and have enough back up plans that one or two disappointments – like not being able to host your child’s birthday party – do not cause major setbacks. Move on quickly to the next “best” option for being involved and having the joy of your child’s pleasure and gratitude.
A healthy ego. Sometimes not being the center of attention allows you to learn more and be a better coach and example for your child than if all the focus is on you. When it is obvious that one parent is trying to control or get credit for something, kids notice and they appreciate that your ego is balanced, and that you are okay just being a part of something that is good for them.
A sense of timing. Kids have a way of getting what they need from you WHEN they need it. So keep planting seeds that you are available and willing, but that they can get what they need when they are ready.
A sensitivity for things you might not see or hear; kids are often working pretty hard to not let on what they are experiencing and how it is affecting them. They do not want to burden anyone or draw attention to something negative, and this takes a lot of their energy. This touches on why alienation tactics relate to abuse and neglect – it causes them stress and affects their joy, focus and sleep. Your main job is to not add to this while trying to protect your relationship with them, and it is easier said than done.
A decision to meet in the middle, rather than to have a “winner” or a “loser” – this is not about the battle which is what the person doing the alienating wants you to think. This is about the effects on your children and the example you want to set for them around having good boundaries and the skills they need to resolve conflict in their lifetime. Change what you can change, enjoy what you can enjoy – that is your choice and it IS within your intelligent and ability to do.
A list of things you can do to take the high road and set a more positive example, like saving a seat for the other parent if you arrive early to an event where your child is performing or competing. Waiting with an open and encouraging stance before leaving with your child after an event so that they have extra time to visit with and debrief with their other parent. Turning toward the other parent & looking at them when speaking, as if you expect something positive to happen. When you order something, like school pictures, order extra and have your child take the extras to the other parent. Plant seeds. And ask for what you need and want with a smile and positive expectations.

These are things that will help, even if they aren’t easy to keep in mind and act on consistently, but the more you develop and call on your strengths, the more wisdom and peace you insert into this environment, the better chance you have of turning it around.

You’ll be amazed at how your children will respond over time.

Filed Under: Alienation of Parents & Children Tagged With: For Parents, Knowledge is Power, Mother vs Father, Parental Alienation, Power Struggle, What Matters?

Golden Rule or Gold Rules?

October 30, 2012 by Chief Navigator Leave a Comment

You already know the answer. When you choose how someone should treat you, it’s the Golden Rule.

But what about in a contest, especially in a high stakes contest such as in a divorce or in a child custody dispute?

Should the truth count – because that is what the children are counting on, so that they benefit from all both parents can give them? Or should it be a matter of who is able to wield the most influence, especially the most HIDDEN influence?

What about loyalty and honesty toward clients – especially clients who are focused on protecting and providing for children?

Should Fiduciary Duty be expected, and if that duty is absent, should it be looked at closely?

This is just a sampling of what is being revealed about our Family Court system, as investigated by My Advocate Center and an ever-increasing number of parents and interested reporters. Our work continues this month surrounding the fallout for children caught in this gap between truth and “other” influences. The case studies resulting from this work are compelling, so please schedule time with one of our advisors if you would like to learn more.

Then, please turn to the children of the parents in these case studies. Understand what this means for them when family conflict is handled poorly, or when loyalty and honesty are withheld from parents in high-stakes disputes.

Let’s ask that more professionals apply the Golden Rule around upholding duty, applying their best effort to helping children receive the best that BOTH parents can give them. WHY would you NOT want to allow that to happen?

Where we see that this is not happening, and children are being damaged, we are simply inviting these professionals to join us in shifting this problem. Because it IS a very large, very high-impact problem. It is time to do better here, and it is possible to be both successful, profitable, influential…AND to uphold the real Needs of Children.

We are here to guide Parents, Professionals and Policy Makers for the benefit of families who are transitioning through and out of conflict.

Let’s work together to ensure that the family’s resources go toward helping their children.

Isn’t that the BEST use of the Golden Rule?

Filed Under: Child Custody, Domestic Violence, Evolving Solutions: Family Law, Family Violence Tagged With: Custody Conflict, Domestic Violence, Fair/Balanced, For Parents, Knowledge is Power, Mother vs Father, Needs of Children, Parents in Court, What Matters?

The Looking Glass: How Children See Themselves

October 15, 2012 by Chief Navigator Leave a Comment

Why the focus on children for My Advocate Center?

Check out this video, then keep reading and join in on this event to learn more!

This is important for both parents and professionals.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHi2dxSf9hw

We do what we do because that is what is missing from too many legal disputes related to divorce and child custody matters.

There is an enormous gap in how cases are handled that allows the needs of children to get dropped from the discussion. Yes, it sounds good enough that the law says we are to decide and act on matters based on the “best interests of the child,” but what does that really mean?

Can you think of many examples where that was carried out in a way that meant something positive to the child involved?

Chances are, what you recall from your own case or that of someone you know is that your children lost out in more than a couple of ways. That is sad given that the parties and the professionals claim to be working for the “sake of the children.” Please consider this:

“Children get their earliest, most lasting impressions of who they are from what is reflected back to them by their parents. These impressions become those ‘records’ in the jukebox of your child’s brain.” This is the Looking-Glass-Self principle provided by psychotherapists to describe what happens, and you can read about more examples in the Parenting Roles section on the Focus on the Family website. Please read their articles about both the Real Job of Mothers and the one linked here for Fathers.

Can you imagine what children are seeing in this looking glass – this mirror that IS the faces of their parents during a time of extreme tension, conflict, uncertainty, hostility, fear, duress?

If you care about children, then your focus should be on improving what is being reflected for children. If a parent, especially the main caregiver is made to feel fear, then the child absorbs and learns fear – and there is no way around it…the child learns to see himself as fearful. Anxious, Uncertain, Sad, Pained. Naturally this leads to a greater need for attention, for self-soothing, and affects sleep, focus and relationships. Not what you are going for?

If you are a Parent currently embroiled in a custody dispute, ask yourself & your spouse what your children are seeing, hearing, feeling. Is it necessary? Are you willing to change the dialogue & your actions to be geared FOR your children rather than just ABOUT your children? If you aren’t certain how to have this discussion or what to do about increasing conflict, let us know. The professionals we are aligned with get this.

The time to insert common sense and reason – on behalf of children – is before conflict starts to escalate. Parents on both sides, as well as the professionals, need to consider what they are willing to risk around the child’s well-being before they go down the wrong path.

We have found that this is missing in the process, so everything we provide to parents, professionals & policy makers comes back to this one point.

The truth around Family Court practices – what our case studies show – is that too often the wrong outcome is being intentionally created, causing the children to experience the worst of both parents, rather than what is best.

If the process and attitudes remain as they are in the legal arena involving divorce and child custody matters, then too many thousands of children will continue to be sacrificed for the sake of something much less important. They are being sacrificed for the profit of a few.

If you are not willing to allow this to continue – if you want to be a part of the Solution and not a part of the Problem, then please connect with us and help continue this discussion.